Christmas Movie 9: “A Christmas Story”

Christmas Movie 9: “A Christmas Story”

Most of us can relate to Ralphie Parker, the main character in “A Christmas Story”. We’ve been the kid coveting a certain something for Christmas: a special doll, a new bike, a certain something for our collection, a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle. So we can shoot our goddamn eyes out.

Forty years later and a well-received revisit in 2022, “A Christmas Story” is alive and well and watched by millions leading up to Christmas and of course for 24 hours on Christmas Eve. “A Christmas Story” is so big that in 2012 it was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry by the Library of Congress. That’s one helluva award.

If you don’t know by now the story revolves around Ralphie (Peter Billingsley), a 9-year-old boy living in 1940’s Hohman, Indiana, whose only wish for Christmas is to receive the aforementioned Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle. Which his mother (Melinda Dillon), teacher (Tedde Moore) and even Santa Claus is afraid he’ll use to shoot his eye out. Interestingly enough his father The Old Man (Darren McGavin) never mentions his worry about this. Probably because he was too preoccupied with his fra-gee-lay Italian Major Award.

There are so many memorable moments throughout the film, from Flick getting his tongue stuck to the flagpole to Ralphie beating the shit out of Scut Farkus. Fudge, anyone? I always thought Randy got the shit end of the stick. After all, he was stuffed into his winter coat by his mother until he looked like a tick about to pop, forced to eat like a pig and hid under the kitchen sink. It’s amazing he turned out to be a rich bastard as portrayed in the 2022 revisit.

And let’s not forget the Bumpus’s hounds and The Old Man and his turkey…

“A Christmas Story” truly brings back memories of Christmases past and how it used to be for so many. Such simpler times of listening to Little Orphan Annie, drinking Ovaltine and having your biggest worry be whether you’ll get your Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle and not shoot your eye out.

Christmas Movie 10: “Elf”

Christmas Movie 10: “Elf”

Can you believe it’s been twenty years? ALREADY? It seems just like yesterday we were laughing hysterically for the first time over what would become a holiday classic.

“Elf” stars Will Ferrell as Buddy, a human who, as a baby orphan, climbs into Santa’s sack (Santa is played by the late great Ed Asner) and is transported back to the North Pole. There Papa Elf (played by icon Bob Newhart) takes him under his wing and cares for him, raising him into the big Elf we come to know and love.

The problem is, Buddy has never really completely fit in. He knows he’s “different” from the other elves. He’s much bigger than they are, much slower at making toys and just, well, seems in the way. So Papa Elf finally tells him the truth about how he came to live at the North Pole. And that his parents are Walter Hobbs and Susan Wells. Of course we are never told how Papa Elf knows this. Maybe because he’s Papa Elf? Was Santa withholding info all these years? Who knows! But now Buddy is curious. Papa Elf tells Buddy his mother is dead but his father is still alive and well and working for a children’s book publishing company in the Empire State Building in New York City. So like any curious elf, Buddy takes off for New York to find his dad.

Of course like any elf who has never left the North Pole, Buddy discovers all kinds of things in New York: the world’s best cup of coffee, revolving doors, taxi cabs that don’t stop, people walking down the street dressed as Santa (actual people–NOT ACTORS!) gum on subway railings. You name it. And he eventually finds his father, much to Walter’s (James Caan) dismay. Walter already has a family: his son Michael (Daniel Tay) and wife Emily (Mary Steenburgen) and who is this strange guy dressed as an elf telling me I’m his long-lost father. So Walter has Buddy tossed from the building and the security guards sarcastically suggest Buddy go find a job at Gimbels. Which is exactly what he does.

There he becomes enamored with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a less-than-thrilled Gimbels employee dressed as an elf. Buddy gets over-excited when he learns that “Santa is coming to town” the following day and goes overboard decorating the toy department for Santa’s arrival.

Following a brawl with the imposter Santa who sits on the throne in the toy department (“You sit on a throne of lies!”), Buddy gets tossed in jail. Walter bails him out, takes him for a DNA test, done by none other than director Jon Favreau, learns Buddy is indeed his son, then takes him home to meet the family. Emily adores him. Walter and Michael can’t stand him, although Michael warms up to him when he and Buddy take on a bunch of bullies in a snowball fight. Michael also encourages Buddy to ask Jovie out on a date.

Walter’s publishing company is failing and in a last ditch effort on Christmas Eve they secure a meeting with Miles Finch (Peter Dinklage), a person Buddy mistakes as an elf, and an angry one at that.

Finch leaves in a huff, Walter gets pissed at Buddy, Buddy takes off and leaves the Hobbs’ apartment leaving a good-bye note on an Etch-a-Sketch. Michael tells Walter about Buddy leaving, Walter gets fired, Santa’s sleigh crashes in Central Park because the engine failed due to low Christmas spirit and the engine failing. Buddy reattaches the sleigh as Jovie leads a crowd of onlookers into singing “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. Because that’s how you invoke the Christmas spirit in people, you know!

All’s well that ends well. Buddy writes a book about his life, allowing Walter to establish his own publishing company, Buddy and Jovie marry and have a child and live at the North Pole forever and ever with Papa Elf.

Christmas Movie 11: “The Christmas Chronicles”

Christmas Movie 11: “The Christmas Chronicles”

If it’s one gem Netflix has given us within the past five years, “The Christmas Chronicles” is it.

Released in November 2018, the film stars Kurt Russell as Santa Claus who takes on two kids from Lowell, Massachusetts (Kate and Teddy Pierce played by Darby Camp and Judah Lewis) who have discovered him in the act of delivering gifts. 

But we must back up a bit to understand how we got to two kids hiding in Santa’s sleigh. The Pierce kids have lost their firefighter father, which has been hard on both them and their mother. Their mother Claire (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) works as a nurse and is away from home a lot (and unfortunately she’s covering on Christmas Eve, leaving the kids to their own devices). Teddy has recently been hanging with the wrong crowd and doing illegal things. Kate is trying to keep the belief in Santa alive and save Teddy at the same time. So when Kate sees the flash of a figure in a video of a past Christmas when her father was alive, she tries to convince Teddy it’s Santa and that they must set up a trap to try to catch him in the act.

So that’s how we get to the point with the kids in the sleigh, which, once Santa learns this, becomes startled and crashes the sleigh, losing his magic hat and sack in the process.

Now that he’s lost his hat Santa can’t move as quickly as he normally does and if he doesn’t get back to delivering presents, the Christmas spirit will be lost. With the kids help, they set out to find his hat and sack.

Of course trouble ensues and Santa gets arrested and ends up performing a rousing rendition of “Santa Claus Is Back In Town” with Steve Van Zandt in the clink. The kids rescue the reindeer and Kate finds the sack and teleports to the North Pole and where the elves help her. One elf reaches Santa at the jail with a replacement hat so Santa is able to finally get a move on and finish his task. The sleigh is repaired, the hat and sack have returned to their rightful owner and the kids are still in tow. Plus it’s now the 11th hour. So Kate and Teddy help Santa finish the delivering and he returns them to their humble Lowell, MA abode.

The kids ask Santa if they’ll ever see him again and he tells them “not if he can help it”. He gives Teddy his hat, proving that Santa really didn’t need it after all.

Christmas morning the kids open their gifts. Kate gets the skateboard she has wanted and Teddy gets a magical ornament that shows his father’s reflection when he looks into it.

This film is very touching and well-done. It has become a yearly viewing staple for me. Unfortunately, “Christmas Chronicles 2” was not quite what I expected. Also, watch until the end for a surprise appearance.

Christmas Movie 12: “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

Christmas Movie 12: “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

If you grew up in the 80’s, chances are you saw at least one of National Lampoon’s “Vacation” flicks, if not all of them. The 1989 “Christmas Vacation” is the third of Lampoon’s installments. Once again it stars the Griswold family, you know, lain-brain Clark (Chevy Chase), his pretty and enduring wife Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo) and their two kids Audrey and Rusty (always played by new actors in each movie–in this one they are played by Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki).

The premise of this film does not revolve around a physical vacation, per se (unlike “Vacation” and “European Vacation”), but more the subject of it being Christmas, we need a tree, the relatives are coming to visit (stressful), Clark wants to don the entire house in Christmas lights (he can’t get them to work) and he’s anxious about his company bonus. Because he’s planning to use the money to put in a pool.

The grandparents have arrived (who wouldn’t be stressed with a mother played by Doris Roberts?) and to add to that Ellen’s crazy, steel-plated brain cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) has taken it upon himself to arrive in his RV with his wife, two brats and a dog named Snots. Let the Christmas zaniness begin!

Between the shitter being full and Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis arriving with a leaky Jello mold and a wrapped up cat, it doesn’t get much more fun than that. Oh wait. Snots gets into the garbage, the cat bites the electrical cord, causing the tree to catch on fire and the tree Clark cuts down in the front yard to replace it has a squirrel in it. Then Clark gets his bonus–enrollment in the Jelly of the Month Club–and Eddie kidnaps Clark’s boss as revenge for the shitty bonus.

All’s well that ends well when Lewis tosses his stogie into the sewer causing an explosion and the Santa lawn ornament flies off into the night as Aunt Bethany sings “The Star Spangled Banner”. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Christmas Movie 13: “Christmas Eve on Sesame Street”

Christmas Movie 13: “Christmas Eve on Sesame Street”

This 1978 Emmy-award winning film revolves around Big Bird worrying about how Santa Claus can fit down the chimney. Oscar doesn’t help matters any by placing doubts in Big Bird’s mind. So Big Bird does what any self-respecting bird would do when trying to find out the truth: have Kermit and Grover interview various children about how Santa does it.

Also in this film Bert and Ernie play out their own version of “The Gift of the Magi” when they want to exchange gifts but have no money to do so. So Bert exchanges his paper clip collection at Hooper’s store for a soap dish for Rubbie Duckie. Ernie exchanges his Rubber Duckie at Hooper’s for a cigar box for Bert’s paper clip collection. Being the kind soul that he is, Mr. Hooper later returns the paper clip collection and Rubber Duckie back to their respective owners.

In another side note during the film, Cookie Monster is trying to get in touch with Santa and in the process, ends up eating a pencil, a typewriter and a landline telephone. This is a hilarious bit and has always been one of my favorite parts of the movie.

In the end the entire neighborhood is frantically searching for Big Bird when he decides to sit atop the brownstone to wait for Santa so he can see exactly how he gets down the chimney. Of course when Santa arrives, Big Bird is asleep. Bird eventually wakes and goes down to Gordon and Susan’s apartment where he learns that Santa has already come and gone.