Looking Back: A Little Christmas Humor

Looking Back: A Little Christmas Humor

by MichelleMcHatton

To honor the end of the decade, I’m looking back on some old Christmas posts.  This one was originally posted December 17, 2010.  We should have known Santa was a woman back then!

 

Santa is a Woman?
Author Unknown
I think Santa Claus is a woman … I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened … having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men …
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!!

The World’s Biggest Yard Sale

The World’s Biggest Yard Sale

by MichelleMcHatton

I realize that ebay is considered to be the world’s biggest yard sale.  I understand that many people haggle over prices on there, even when a price is set in stone.  Because it is treated like a yard sale.   I’ve had people ask me if I’d take less than what I’m auctioning an item for.  If that were the case, I’d say so in my listing.  But I’m offering it for a set price.  And that’s that.  I understand many people are looking for a deal.  I get it.  It’s ebay.  But I’m baffled by some buyers on ebay and what they expect from people who are selling used items.

Most of my ebay selling experience has been positive.  I’ve had very little issues.  Then I had the one person who purchased three separate items from me and expected me to combine shipping.  On three items I charged a buck each for (totalling $3.00)?  To ship to FL?  Apparently people are clueless about what shipping costs.  Even if I had sold the items together, I still would’ve charged at least seven dollars for shipping.  Which is what she paid for on all three items combined.

My most recent experience has been with someone who keeps asking me about this blue neon clock I’m selling.  I have multiples of these blue neon clocks.  I actually have MANY different clocks, as we are clearing out my sister’s basement and, lo and behold, she has collected MANY clocks over the years.  Many of them are these cool blue neon clocks.  Which are used.  They are not in the boxes.  They no longer have the plugs that came with them.  You can purchase these clocks new at Walmart for $20.00.  Where do you think I got them from in the first place?  And mind you, I am the original purchaser of most of these clocks.

So I’m selling these clocks on ebay for a whopping $1.00.  Because they are used, not in the box and do not have the plug.  But it’s going to cost me SOMETHING to ship it.  It’s NOT free!  Even if you lived in the same state as myself, it would STILL COST ME SOMETHING TO SHIP IT!!!!  Charging you only a buck for the sale of this clock is nothing.  So if I charge you $10.00 for shipping, when the cost to ship is actually $13.00, you’re STILL MAKING OUT!  I’m losing money on this, and yet I have people asking me what kind of plug it takes, where they can get an adapter, why I don’t have a plug for it and asking me to lower the shipping cost.  My answer is simple:   the clock is used, without a plug and without a box.  If I had a plug and box for it I would auction it off for a hell of a lot more than $1.00 and the shipping would be a hell of a lot more than $10.00.  If you don’t want to purchase the clock from me on ebay, go buy it new at Walmart.  Then you’ll have your goddamn box and adapter and your $20.00 blue neon clock.

The Simple Things

The Simple Things

by MichelleMcHatton

One of my favorite events this time of year is the annual Christmas party put on by the day program that my autistic sister attends.

Watching the attendees enjoy themselves by enjoying some good food, good company and holiday music really makes one stop and reflect on the simple things.  Some of these people have never lived life without a wheelchair.  Some have never chewed food.  But whatever their situation, one thing remains the same:  when Santa arrives, everyone gets excited.  And as only Santa could do, he always manages to give the perfect gifts.  Such as the large, stuffed soccer ball my sister received.  Because one of the things she loves is soccer balls.

As I watched each participant get their photo taken with Santa and receive their gifts, I thought how great the simple things in life really are.  A simple smile, a simple song, a simple visit with family, a simple gift.  And these effortless things are never taken for granted by these folks.  And they are very happy.

If we could all live out our days in such a way, we’d be better for it.

 

Making Spirits Brighter One Card at a Time

Making Spirits Brighter One Card at a Time

by MichelleMcHatton

Christmas, as we know, is often a time to spread cheer.  And sometimes there are people out there who need more cheer than others.  That’s where the Angel Card Project comes in.

You can read about it here:

https://www.theangelcardproject.com/

Basically, you sign up and you receive a list of names (and there are A LOT of names!) of individuals who could use a boost of the Christmas spirit in the form of a simple Christmas card.  That’s it.  Just a card is all that is needed.  It could be a boxed card, homemade, an emotional Hallmark card, any kind of a Christmas greeting card.  And there is no minimum or maximum of how many people you send cards to.  You could send one.  You could send one hundred.  For these folks just getting a Christmas card would mean the world.  Many of them have very little, if anything.  Some are shut-ins.  Many have medical issues or disabilities.  Some are imprisoned.  But they all have one thing in common:  they could all use a little extra joy this Christmas, even if it’s from a stranger.  For many of them, that may be all the happiness they receive this holiday season.

Consider volunteering to send out a card or cards to some people who need it this year.  Your heart will thank you for it.

The Pants Dilemma

The Pants Dilemma

by MichelleMcHatton

I don’t know how many others may be able to relate to my issue.  When it comes to purchasing pants for my husband as a Christmas gift, I keep having the same dilemma year after year.  I have a difficult time finding his size.

It doesn’t matter if it’s jeans or dress pants I’m shopping for, hunting for the right color is one thing (especially dress pants where they seem to only have three colors to choose from), but finding the right size is like searching for a needle in a haystack.

For years my husband’s pant size was 34 x 34.  I soon discovered so were most men.  Sorting through the sizes I would often think to myself “why couldn’t he be a 30 x 29” because there were plenty of those.  He has since graduated to size 38 x 34, which really excited me for a bit because I actually thought I’d have an easier time finding his size.  Yeah, right.

In searching three stores I found one pair of pants in his size.  Color black.  I had to go to two more stores before finding another pair in his size.  Again, color black.

Yes, I know I could save myself a lot of hassle by shopping on-line but that would take the fun out of the annual search for the perfect pair of pants.